A Press Conference with Myself

Tomorrow I will make my long-awaited return to football as the Sheridan Park Soccer League kicks off. In the build-up to the big game, I held a press conference with myself while in the shower.

Press: You haven’t played a game of 11 v 11 soccer in eight years and you have barely kicked a ball for the past four years. Do you still possess all your skills?
Me: Thanks for saying I had skills! I will be fine. I am in tip-top shape and most importantly I’ve got the passion. During that eight year hiatus, I have watched many games and played enough FIFA and Football Manager to know what I’m doing position-wise and tactically.

Press: What role are you hoping to play on the team?
Me: Midfield general. My greatest strength as a footballer is my stamina so I will up and down the pitch all night long. Meanwhile, my incisive passing should be able to easily split open an amateur defense.

Press: Is it possible you overstate your footballing abilities?
Me: Being English, I am obliged to.

Press:  If a long, high goal kick comes your way, will you be brave enough to head the ball?
Me: Good question. I have been thinking long and hard about this over the past few weeks and am yet to reach a conclusion. I will have to make a game time decision. Do I need to wash my hair?

Press: No you washed it yesterday. What have been your greatest moments as a footballer?
Me: Two moments spring to mind. At school when I was 11, in a game of break time football played with a tennis ball, my team were trailing one-nil after a typically scrappy encounter. With just moments to go, I scored a fine equalizer before slotting home the winner barely seconds before the bell went. My celebration of that goal was so long and covered so much distance that I was a little late to my next class.

Press: And the other moment?
Me: I was playing in goal during an under-7s match. With just a few minutes left on the clock, we were clinging onto a 1-0 and they were throwing everything at us. Our defense was creaking and it was looking like we couldn’t hold out for much longer – the opposition parents were even chanting “we’re gonna score in a minute!” Their star striker struck one last ferocious shot that was hit with such power that it seemed destined to not only hit the back net, but also go straight through it and the clubhouse window behind. But I dived to my left and miraculously kept the ball out with an incredible save that won us the match and later me the man-of-the-match award.

Press: Pundits are saying that you are dwelling on the past and need to move into the present.
Me: That’s a bit harsh. It was a great save. I even caught the ball.

Press: Well I think your roommate needs to use the bathroom now, so that is all we have time for. It has been a pleasure to talk with you.
Me: The pleasure was all mine.